Half Marathon: An Inner Monologue

Catch All

So, I ran the Great Western Half Marathon yesterday. I can thank my lovely cousin for that. Considering I’m a horrible at self-imposed training and physical activities have been limited due to back injuries, I barely trained. Horrible idea, in case you wanted to know. Sorry Hal Higdon, I’ll be better next time, promise.

Long story short, I did it. As you can imagine, a lot of things were running through my jumbled noggin at the time, so I figured I would share these insights with you. All expletives have been removed (there were many).

Mile 1

This is actually pretty easy. I don’t know why I complained so much about this.

What a beautiful day.

Smile for the cameraman!

You’re doing great.

You’re like the female George Clooney.

Mile 2

There’s a birdwatcher. I bet he thinks we’re an odd and rare breed of flightless birds with a pack mentality. Actually, that wouldn’t be rare at all. Dumb.

How long is this thing going to take?

The sun is really glaring into my eyeballs right now.

My sister is texting me.

I wonder what she’s is doing right now.

Mile 3

Am I seriously already getting a blister?

What kind of injury(ies) could I fake to get out of running the rest of this?

My doctor is probably fuming right now since she told me no more running. Sorry doc!

Mile 4

Do you think I’ll get some sun today?

What kind of food do you think will be at the end? I hope it’s good. I could really go for some junk food. Or a mango.

I should have put the new Jonas Brothers song on my playlist. Missed opportunity.

This is getting to be extremely difficult.

Mile 5

Is arm chaffing a thing? I think I’m getting arm chaffing.

Which means I’m probably getting leg chaffing.

Great. After this I’m just going to be one giant scab.

Hi family! Ya’ll are the best. Please hold all my stuff while I fix my hair and stretch. Stop taking my picture. No seriously. Please stop.

And I’m off! Pretend like you really know what you’re doing.

Mile 6

If Napoleon Dynamite can dance to this song, you can run a half marathon to this song.

Remember when Napoleon Dynamite had a twin in real life? What was his name again?

My mother taught me never to pass up free things. So I will gladly take this free protein bar goo.

Wait, this is actually kind of delicious and taste like applesauce. Is this what baby food taste like? Why don’t we all eat baby food all the time? Note to self: Apologize to Jamie for making fun of her for eating baby food.

Mile 7

You really can only do this for yourself. You’re halfway done. You can do this.

I should be a motivational speaker.

What happens when a motivational speaker needs a motivational speaker? I read once that they each have a mentor. More importantly, what if a psychiatrist needs a psychiatrist, a therapist needs a therapist? I should look into that if I survive this.

Is this thing over yet?  Where’s my mentor.

Mile 8

Oh hey! There’s my family again. I’m going to make them carry all this stuff.

“Here’s my belt, here’s my gum, here’s my gel, here’s my shot bloks, here’s my water bottle. Thanks!”

And I’m off. Lookin’ good, lookin’ good.

Are they done looking? Okay, slow down again. You still have five miles to go.

Why did you think this was a good idea?

I wonder if Lady Gaga works out to her own music because The Fame is really my jam.

Mile 9

Cameraman, don’t look at me!

JON HEDER. That’s the guy’s name from Napolean Dynamite. Glad that finally came to me.

I will never make fun of anyone for running slow ever again.

What do I want for dinner? I’m kind of starving right now.

Mile 10

I used to really love Christina Aguilera.

Today is perfect bonfire weather. I could really go for some s’mores right now. Great, now I also want to watch The Sandlot. Do we have that on DVD? I should check that when we get back.

Don’t you think Shakira should sing the World Cup anthem every time? Waka Waka is just a real motivator.

Nope, I lied. Still not motivated. How much longer?

Mile 11

I can count at least 3 blisters and I still have 2.1 miles left.

Bloo bloo bleee blah blee booop meep. Mer. Mer. Mer. Bloooo bleee blahhhhh.

Whoa. I just blacked out there for a minute.

Mile 12

“It’s all downhill from here!” a man on the trail just yelled at me.

He must have been speaking metaphorically because this uphill slope is never ending.

I see the finish line! I see the finish line!

Oh. Wait. I also see different runners heads bobbing up in down in the meadow and there seems to be about 5 more curves.

This better be a cool medal.

I’m almost there. Come on legs. Just keep moving. You can do it. Almost. Almost. Almost. Almost.


Mile 13

Smile for the picture.

I can’t breathe. I can’t feel my hands. Everything is tingling. Is it normal to have tunnel vision? I still can’t breathe. My legs are moving without me making them. Help. Is this normal? I think I’m dying. Is this what an epidural feels like? Because I can’t control anything happening from the waist down. Where am I?




Source: my own

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  • Reply
    May 6, 2013 at 8:28 pm

    this is perfect! congrats, girlie!

  • Reply
    May 7, 2013 at 8:06 am

    Thanks Liss!

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